


So Mote It Be

by ultravisceral



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Gay, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Illness, Past Relationship(s), Phan - Freeform, Romance, Self Harm, Unrequited Love, phanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 04:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15186878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultravisceral/pseuds/ultravisceral
Summary: Phil was always the more adventurous and social one out of the two of them, and Dan respects that. Until Phil starts bringing people home after going out drinking; and Dan begins to realize his feelings for Phil meant nothing to him. Destroying himself for the person he loves is all he's ever known, so he's slips back into old habits.





	So Mote It Be

**Author's Note:**

> So Mote It Be:  
> "So Mote It Be" is a ritualistic phrase that is used by the Freemasons, in Rosicrucianism, and more recently by Neopagans. It means, "so it may be," "so it is required," or, "so it must be," and may be said at the end of a prayer in a similar way to amen.

Dan's POV:

You know when you're so attached to something or someone that it hurts even when they leave for a temporary amount of time? That's exactly how I felt about Phil, except he left for indefinite periods of time and came back with a smile and wanting to work on the next gaming video. As soon as the front door slammed, signifying him going downtown to a fancy bar with our friends, I let out the sigh I'd been holding in. I could never be the man he needed, with the ability to go out with friends night after night, socializing and having fun and acting like someone I'm entirely not, purely for the satisfaction of others. In reality, I was someone who laid alone on a couch at eleven o'clock at night, missing their only best friend, with an empty feeling in their stomach that twisted in what was somewhere in between self hatred and doubt. Between eleven and three, the same channels played old films on repeat.  
They expected everyone to either be in bed by now or out on the town, and for the majority of people, they were right. So I watched The Purge: Election Year for the thirteenth time in the same month, because this was normal, this was routine, and hurting was fine. Eventually I changed the channel and watched a strange man talk about the windy front of Scotland, and even if it was pathetic, his voice filled the room and I felt less alone than I did normally. Just as I was getting bored of hearing about it, the front door opened and snapped shut in a series of just a few seconds.  
"Wanna take this to your room?" A strange voice let out, and I knew at that moment Phil had brought someone home.   
"Yeah, yeah. Let me just tell my roommate that I'm back and all." Phil said, quietly.   
"Fuck him, come on. I'm not gonna wait for you."  
"Okay, okay. He'll just figure out in the morning, anyway. Let's go. The room on the right, up the stairs." The moment he picked her over me, I felt torn in two.  
Not only would I never be good enough for him to stay home and watch movies with, but I wasn't even worth letting know that he was home and safe. A few tears streamed down my face and I recognized the familiar pain in my chest. The feeling of knowing that a part of me loved him, and that it would never be returned.  
Bzzz  
'Just wanted to let you know I'm home safe, with some Sofia Lamkey girl... she's totally bangable... just don't come out of your room too early, hopefully she'll go home eventually.' The text from Phil swirled through my thoughts, so... Sofia Lamkey, you're good enough to tear Phil away from me and keep his mind entertained in a way I'd never be capable of?  
Looking her up on Facebook, there were hundreds of results but the one that looked most probable was a brunette whose profile picture showed too much cleavage and a poor choice in alcohol in the background. We had two mutual friends, which was rare since most of my friend's facebook profiles were private. From all of her posts, she seemed outgoing and somewhat intelligent, based on the fact she was accepted into a private Manchester university. My heart was pounding out of my chest when I realized she loved to watch my videos, but probably had no idea who Phil was. Her thin figure was emphasized in an upload where she was working out on a local track I'd passed many times on the way to my manager's office. Everything hurt to know that she was perfect, in every sense. Thin and beautiful on the outside, intelligent and somewhat funny as far as personality goes, she was perfect to a point that would be within Phil's range but not outside of it.  
Finally, I put my phone down when my eyes began to sting from the tears and the bright light. Everything was quiet, and I laid back onto the couch cushions. It seemed safer to sleep down here, since my room was separated from Phil's by one thin wall and the last thing I wanted to hear was what they were doing. I felt empty, like I had just lost a part of myself and there was a hole that couldn't be filled, and I knew that the part of me that loved Phil had slowly eaten away at the rest of me in agony when he brought her home. Slowly, I was becoming a shell and the only part of myself I knew was the part that loved him.


End file.
